I have felt more peace and love over the past few months than I ever have before. I knew I was loved. I knew I had a father in Heaven who was hoovering over me and guarding me from pain and fear. I felt a shield around me and around my family. I trusted in my Savior and knew I was part of the "plan" I knew he wasn't going to leave me in my darkest hour.
All my life, for as long as I can remember, I have always worked through things by myself. I like to be alone while i deal with any kind of emotion. I don't like to show people the emotional side, the side that NEEDS help, the side that is vulnerable. So I shut others out, my family included. But over the past weeks I have felt those walls around me crumble. I felt myself reaching out to others for comfort. I knew I didn't have to feel alone during all of my confusion and heart ache. I trusted that I was doing all that I could for our baby girl. I knew my only purpose was going to be to give her a body. I knew at some point I would lose her during this pregnancy. The question was always, when??
I had been praying so hard that during the time Robbie would be away for two weeks that I would be safe. That she would be safe and alive. I knew nothing could happen while he was away. How could it? I've put so much faith and gratitude into this pregnancy that I knew the Lord wouldn't let me be without my husband while I lost our baby girl. That just didn't seem fair to me. But because I thought this way, because I allowed myself to try to make this MY plan and not our Heavenly Fathers will, I should have known. I should have known the moment Robbie left something was bound to happen!
And happen it did.
Rob left on Monday morning and I kept myself as busy as possible. Friends told me to slow down and to take it easy, but SURPRISE, I didn't listen. It helps me to stay busy, to occupy my time with pointless chores and tasks so I don't spare a second to think about anything else. I felt my body trying to tell me something. I had pain that I ignored. Because, like I said, I knew nothing could possibly go wrong without my husband home!
Come Wednesday I knew something was wrong. A friend come over and spent a few hours with me trying to comfort me and to prepare me. I text my mom telling her not to worry and that I would call her as soon as I got home from the Doctor the following morning. Well 7 am comes around and she calls to tell me she is around the corner! I should have known! But how lucky I am she was able to be there. We went to the doctor together and I was told our little girl no longer had a heart beat. I was prepared for that. I knew it was bound to happen. I wasn't expecting her to live, to survive the pregnancy or the genetic diagnosis. I knew this was going to happen and I was at peace with that. But I was NOT at peace with my savior allowing this to happen during the one time I begged for it not to happen. I thought I deserved that.
I remember my doctor telling me how sorry he was and that "this whole thing has just been miserable." I remember telling him it hasn't been miserable at all, it has been and continues to be, the greatest thing I've ever been through. I am so grateful for this experience. I am SO grateful for what I have learned.
We set up an appointment for the following day for the D&E surgery. I knew I couldn't lose her at home and I didn't want that to be my last image of her. So I didn't have any other option. I made the decision and I wanted to be alone. I asked my mom to take my kids to Vegas for the weekend so I could just deal with this without having to worry about them. The second I loaded them in the car and said goodbye, I walked inside and closed the door and broke down. For the first time, I let myself hurt. I let myself feel the pain and the reality of the situation. I didn't have to fake it because no one was there to see me cry. I didn't have to hide anything because my kids were gone and I didn't feel obligated to be the best mom in that moment. I needed a moment to myself. I felt pain I've never felt before, physically. And just when I couldn't take it anymore my neighbor came over and knew I needed help. I asked for a blessing and as much as I wish it could have been my own husband who could have done that for me, I am grateful I was able to depend on other worthy priesthood holders who could also offer me a blessing.
I remember during the blessing and wondering why, why Robbie couldn't have been there. And just like a fire again warming my heart, I felt the Savior say "But you like to be alone, you always say you want to be alone... I'm letting you." Never again will I try to go through something alone. Its okay to let others help you, especially your own spouse. I felt like I needed to be strong so that he wouldn't know how bad I was hurting, so he wouldn't feel like he needed to help me. I knew there was nothing he, or anyone, could do so I never asked.
My friends knew I needed to go to the hospital so we called my doctor and he was able to get me in right away so we rushed over and the pain was getting worse. I couldn't handle it. I'm not sure if it was the actual pain, or if it was the fear that this pregnancy was over, the realization that my little girl didn't need me anymore. My job was done, and I wasn't sure if I was ready for that yet.
I can never express enough gratitude to the two dear friends who stayed with me while Robbie desperately tried to get home. (His flight was delayed 3 hours and from there he had to still drive from home from Las Vegas) What a comfort it was, and a blessing to be with two women who I knew loved me and wanted to be there for me. They taught me the greatest lesson, and taught me that its okay to need help. They cried with me and after the drugs, they laughed with me while i was in another world of all sorts of good feelings! Im grateful I don't remember much, I'm sure they now know more about me than they ever intended to know!
I can't remember much but one thing I can't get over was when it was all over. I remember hearing someone talk. I felt them at my feet but I couldn't open my eyes. I remember my eyelids trembling as I struggled to get them open. I remember asking how it went, and I remember some man saying "It went great, she was a little girl and she did in deed have all the handicap disabilities they said she had, you did the right thing and she is okay." Then SECONDS later I felt someone at my shoulder and this time I could open my eyes and I asked him the same question, how did it go. Only he responded different and told me after the procedure the baby is unrecognizable so he couldn't answer the questions I had. I don't know who the man was who told me about her but I am choosing to believe that was another blessing from my Savior allowing me to end with the thought of her happy and healthy.
I am at such peace with all of this and I really am happy. I am happy that I was able to give my little girl the body she needed. I was able to fulfill my calling as her mother. I am happy I can move on and not wonder if today is going to be the last of the pregnancy. I am happy that I have let myself feel. I am happy that I have let people into my life and into my emotions. I am grateful to so many of you who have supported and loved me and my family. I am grateful to those who I have been able to touch through this story. I have countless emails from people I don't even know, thanking me for sharing. I am grateful that I was able to hear the whispering of the spirit telling me to share this story. It has strengthened me, my marriage, my family and my friendships.
I know to some it sounds weird that I am happy. They keep telling me its okay to be sad. But truthfully, I understand why this happened and I understand that this is not the end for her and I can not be sad for myself when all I want is for my kids to be happy. She, our little Emma, is happy. She is where she needs to be, and because of her I will do everything in my power to stay on the path back to her and to our Savior. My family now has even greater reason and purpose to give this life all we have and to prove ourself to the Lord.
I wish there were words to express my gratitude. We've had visitors, meals and even a "cleaning lady" come by! I have the best friends and the greatest support from so so many of you. I am a better person because of this and because so many of you! And to my husband, as I sit here and type this out, he has cleaned our home and done everything I've needed him to do. I love him more than he knows and I know he loves me and would do anything for me and for our children ... I am the luckiest women and mother in this world.
Thanks for allowing to me share my story, my emotions and my testimony. And to any of you going through heart ache and wondering why. Remember this, the greatest thing I have ever heard and what got me through so much. "Instead of asking yourself 'Why me,' Try asking yourself, 'Why not me?'" The Lord knows us all, and all of our trails are for our own good and they are but an opportunity to grow and to change us. Let the change be for the better.
Until we meet again Emma.. I promise we will meet again.
"A final gospel truth that will contribute to our understanding of and hence the quality of our marriages relates to the degree in which we involve the Savior in our relationships as husbands and wives. As designed by our Heavenly Father, marriage consists of our first entering into a covenant relationship with Christ and then with each other. He and his teachings must be the focal point of our togetherness. As we become more like him and grow closer to him, we will naturally become more loving and grow closer to each other"