"A final gospel truth that will contribute to our understanding of and hence the quality of our marriages relates to the degree in which we involve the Savior in our relationships as husbands and wives. As designed by our Heavenly Father, marriage consists of our first entering into a covenant relationship with Christ and then with each other. He and his teachings must be the focal point of our togetherness. As we become more like him and grow closer to him, we will naturally become more loving and grow closer to each other"

Monday, November 25, 2013

No-Negative November :)

**Warning, I do not know why the font is so funky!**

Since I refuse to grow a beard and participate in "no-shave November" I had to come up with something a bit different to show my love and appreciation for my very favorite month of the year!

I have been planning to write this post since November 1st.. well that date clearly has come and gone and here I am November .. (oh heck lets get real, like I even ever know what day of the month it is!?)

I enjoy seeing/reading what people post on facebook during the month of November and how creative some can get, how deep some can think and how funny little things are that people take such joy and thankfulness in! I have been blessed with probably the greatest year of my life. Nothing huge happened, I certainly didn't hit the jackpot and no money grew on the trees that were planted. And I don't think I followed through with one little goal I set for myself. However, to sit and think of all that has happened in my life, in my kids life and how friendships have grown and my love for certain things has deepened, I'd consider this to have been a great year.

I read an old LDS conference talk recently and I can't help but remember reading...
    President Thomas S. Monson put it this way: “It is not enough to want to make the effort and to say      we’ll make the effort. … It’s in the doing, not just the thinking, that we accomplish our goals. If we constantly put our goals off, we will never see them fulfilled.”

Gosh - how I loved reading that. That short paragraph sums me up pretty well. I am one of the best at the "thinking" and "wanting to make an effort" "saying I will make an effort." And I hate to say that I am also the best at putting my goals off... constantly. It doesn't matter if its a personal goal, a spiritual goal, a goal to teach my kids, to be a better wife, a better friend, or a goal to bite my tough and to guard my thoughts... Whatever It may be I give up. Not in a, throw my hands in the air I'm done, kind of way but that I am idle in my actions. 

Yet somehow I am so blessed to still be prompted with the desire to become and do more with myself and my time. Some nights I lock myself in my room and tell Rob that he's in charge for the night and I will lay on my bed.. browse some sort of social media app or watch some schmuck tv show that never leaves me with a desire to want to better myself! But I have to say that I have a pretty drama free life so I find great joy watching it on tv ;) reality or not!! And don't bother telling me its a waste of time. Clearly I already know that but don't plan to make any changes any time soon! (just being honest!) 

Anyway, point is, goals. And November. I set a goal to write what I am most thankful for this November. A goal, I can certainly accomplish... right now! 

(Enter cliche moment here...)

Of coarse, most importantly, I could not be more grateful for my super awesome husband. What a great guy that man is. A man who can say everything without ever saying a word at all! (seriously.. you will never meet a man of fewer words!!) I have been asked by more than one person how he and I make our relationship work. How two people who could not be more opposite can find common ground on anything.. And I think I've come to appreciate that that is the beauty of it all. Its not a fairytale. Its real. Its easy and the only time its not, is when I choose to make it that way! I take advantage of how easy going he is and I expect 100% more from him then I do from myself and that is something I've had to learn to figure out! On the days I want to (and sometimes do) complain or express my frustration I have to ask myself if I have given 100% and if the answer is no, that I have to change my thinking. Rob would do anything for me and for our kids. Not always without asking, but again lets be honest! How many men do much of anything without being asked to do so! (and seriously if you are going to comment about how your man DOES do it all without ever being asked.. dont' bother! I won't believe you!)

And how can I not be thankful for my two wild and crazy kids! What a blast they are. I never knew I could learn so much from two people so small! I watch them and can't help but see so much of my or Rob's personality in them. Sometimes its scary! There are some personality traits about myself I hoped my kids would never have but yet at three years old I can already see it happening! They can be the best of friends or we have days like today when I hear one yell to the other "stop it right now or I will spank your butt!" hmmm..... I wonder who they learned that from! ;) I'll blame it on my super silent hubby! My kids are so awesome. They ARE the joy that keeps our house together. Rob and I always say that even on our hardest days as parents its usually only hard because we have run out of patience or compassion. They are learning and I have to remind myself every hour of that! They can't help that their mom is a giant bundle of hormones right now! Yet, they love me every second! For that I am thankful! 

I'm so very thankful for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know not all will agree with me, but I will never not admit the complete joy I find being a member of the church. How can I ever begin to think that my life hasn't been guided completely by my Savior? The peace that I feel on such a incomprehensible level is because of my love and my desire to become what my Lord and Savior need me to become. Yes, life is hard, but I believe there is hope. I know I will return to my Heavenly Father and I know I want my friends, family and children to always know that I have a testimony and unwavering faith. I am so thankful that my family can be together forver. I am thankful that I believe. 

 Before this post turns into a novel, I will wrap it up by saying that I am thankful that I am thankful! I am so grateful that I can look around and see the good. I'm grateful to be able to count my blessings and even after a hard day, (or what I may find to be hard) I'm thankful for the ability to remember there is always a new day. 

I love you all, and I hope this thanksgiving you can find something or someone to appreciate. Not only because its the month of November or because you are trying to find anything to distract you from the massive amounts of facial hair you have had to look at this month BUT because all is well! And if it's not.. I hope that it will be! I really truly hope it will! 

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Back to reality!

Its obviously been awhile since I have updated our blog. I never really knew what to write or wanted to take the time to do it. I've been in a weird place the last several months and pretty much shut myself out of most social activities! After losing our last baby (which I know happens to so many people) I just shut down. Mentally. I couldn't focus on much and my memory was shot. I spent a lot of days sitting on the couch. I haven't found a word to describe it. Closest I think I can come is depression. Not from losing our baby, but I think from the hormone imbalance or something. I obviously got pregnant again rather quickly. Only 8 weeks went by before I found myself taking a pregnancy test and starring at it and kept coming back to it every ten minutes for the next week before I even told Robbie. (Yes I realize that sounds very odd that I wouldn't tell him I was pregnant BUT our anniversary was the next week so I was trying to tell him then!) 
Anyway, there are a few people that I can talk to and everything is normal, but mostly I just look at the person and try to act like I am listening. Things are getting better for me mentally and I feel somewhat normal and I am trying to get back on my routine. Mentally, emotionally and physically. I spent a lot of time with a very dear friend of mine and always find myself leaving our conversations feeling like things are going to be just fine and that we all go through these times where not much makes sense but we keep on keepin' on and it all works itself out. 
I've come to realize, remember again, just how blessed I am. How blessed my family is and how joyous it can be. I just went through a lot of pictures on my phone while uploaded them to my computer and figured it would be a good time to document a few and remember all these moments! 

This was from our DISNEYLAND trip! Alone on splash mountain! Thank heavens our friends came with us! 

My sweet family. Our kids loved DL but the lines overwhelmed them (and me!) 

My extremely handsome boys! I love these two more than anything!

My twins aren't babies anymore and it makes me so sad! They will be three soon and watching them change everyday can be hard! I want to keep them little! They are my best friends!

I love when they actually get along and aren't pulling and pushing or licking and spitting! ;)

We always get together for our family "August-Birthdays" and i thought it would be fun to tell me sisters! It took them a LOT longer to figure out "my eggo is preggo!!" 

Bostyn and her many attempts to do her own makeup! She gets mascara all over the place just like i do!

We went to a football game and Madden was is heaven! He loved every minute and cried like a baby when we left a minute early because he wanted to watch the cheerleaders dance one more time! ha! 

We really do have such fun times together as a family. Lots of drama, lots of fighting and tantrums but overall things are going well and of coarse we are excited to add to our family in March! 

At 16 weeks with little miss. Most days it doesn't seem real and other days I remember that I should have been having a baby this week and then I again remember I still have a ways to go! I have been pregnant all year. It really shouldn't be a surprise as to why I feel so crazy and emotional! 

I wanted to be surprised by the baby's gender the day of delivery, Robbie wasn't having that idea at all and truthfully I think I only wanted to because he didn't think I could actually do it! So we compromised! We went to the ultrasound and the tech didn't tell us but wrote it down and we headed to a photo shoot to capture or reactions! We both thought it was a boy from the ultrasound. The tech showed us the legs and we thought for sure we saw "boy parts!" 

We all write down our guesses on chalk boards and then I covered my eyes and my friend revealed to Robbie the gender and he helped the kids paint their hands and put them on my shirt! So when I uncovered my eyes I was honestly shocked so my reaction picture is real! 

Robbie has been a real gem while I have been trying to figure out my crazy self! He steps in so much and helps me everyday! He is the greatest man and I don't ever give him enough credit for all he does! By the end of the day when he gets home its hardly a pleasant welcoming! I'm so done with the day and over the fighting and yelling and whining that I feel like all i do is complain and yet I still never hear him complain and no dinner, laundry a MILE high along with dishes! I'm sure it wasn't what he had in mind when I told him 3 years ago how excited I was to be able to stay home because i would always be on top of cooking cleaning and blah blah blah!! Oh well - such is life! And its a good one! And no I don't just sugar coat our happy life just for the Internet world. I really do love my family and all our ups and downs! ;) 

Until next time! Which could be another 6 months! 

Saturday, May 4, 2013

The end to her beginning...

I have felt more peace and love over the past few months than I ever have before. I knew I was loved. I knew I had a father in Heaven who was hoovering over me and guarding me from pain and fear. I felt a shield around me and around my family. I trusted in my Savior and knew I was part of the "plan" I knew he wasn't going to leave me in my darkest hour.

All my life, for as long as I can remember, I have always worked through things by myself. I like to be alone while i deal with any kind of emotion. I don't like to show people the emotional side, the side that NEEDS help, the side that is vulnerable. So I shut others out, my family included. But over the past weeks I have felt those walls around me crumble. I felt myself reaching out to others for comfort. I knew I didn't have to feel alone during all of my confusion and heart ache. I trusted that I was doing all that I could for our baby girl. I knew my only purpose was going to be to give her a body. I knew at some point I would lose her during this pregnancy. The question was always, when??

I had been praying so hard that during the time Robbie would be away for two weeks that I would be safe. That she would be safe and alive. I knew nothing could happen while he was away. How could it? I've put so much faith and gratitude into this pregnancy that I knew the Lord wouldn't let me be without my husband while I lost our baby girl. That just didn't seem fair to me. But because I thought this way, because I allowed myself to try to make this MY plan and not our Heavenly Fathers will, I should have known. I should have known the moment Robbie left something was bound to happen!

And happen it did.

Rob left on Monday morning and I kept myself as busy as possible. Friends told me to slow down and to take it easy, but SURPRISE, I didn't listen. It helps me to stay busy, to occupy my time with pointless chores and tasks so I don't spare a second to think about anything else. I felt my body trying to tell me something. I had pain that I ignored. Because, like I said, I knew nothing could possibly go wrong without my husband home!

Come Wednesday I knew something was wrong. A friend come over and spent a few hours with me trying to comfort me and to prepare me. I text my mom telling her not to worry and that I would call her as soon as I got home from the Doctor the following morning. Well 7 am comes around and she calls to tell me she is around the corner! I should have known! But how lucky I am she was able to be there. We went to the doctor together and I was told our little girl no longer had a heart beat. I was prepared for that. I knew it was bound to happen. I wasn't expecting her to live, to survive the pregnancy or the genetic diagnosis. I knew this was going to happen and I was at peace with that. But I was NOT at peace with my savior allowing this to happen during the one time I begged for it not to happen. I thought I deserved that.

I remember my doctor telling me how sorry he was and that "this whole thing has just been miserable." I remember telling him it hasn't been miserable at all, it has been and continues to be, the greatest thing I've ever been through. I am so grateful for this experience. I am SO grateful for what I have learned.

We set up an appointment for the following day for the D&E surgery. I knew I couldn't lose her at home and I didn't want that to be my last image of her. So I didn't have any other option. I made the decision and I wanted to be alone. I asked my mom to take my kids to Vegas for the weekend so I could just deal with this without having to worry about them. The second I loaded them in the car and said goodbye, I walked inside and closed the door and broke down. For the first time, I let myself hurt. I let myself feel the pain and the reality of the situation. I didn't have to fake it because no one was there to see me cry. I didn't have to hide anything because my kids were gone and I didn't feel obligated to be the best mom in that moment. I needed a moment to myself. I felt pain I've never felt before, physically. And just when I couldn't take it anymore my neighbor came over and knew I needed help. I asked for a blessing and as much as I wish it could have been my own husband who could have done that for me, I am grateful I was able to depend on other worthy priesthood holders who could also offer me a blessing.

I remember during the blessing and wondering why, why Robbie couldn't have been there. And just like a fire again warming my heart, I felt the Savior say "But you like to be alone, you always say you want to be alone... I'm letting you." Never again will I try to go through something alone. Its okay to let others help you, especially your own spouse. I felt like I needed to be strong so that he wouldn't know how bad I was hurting, so he wouldn't feel like he needed to help me. I knew there was nothing he, or anyone, could do so I never asked.

My friends knew I needed to go to the hospital so we called my doctor and he was able to get me in right away so we rushed over and the pain was getting worse. I couldn't handle it. I'm not sure if it was the actual pain, or if it was the fear that this pregnancy was over, the realization that my little girl didn't need me anymore. My job was done, and I wasn't sure if I was ready for that yet.

I can never express enough gratitude to the two dear friends who stayed with me while Robbie desperately tried to get home. (His flight was delayed 3 hours and from there he had to still drive from home from Las Vegas) What a comfort it was, and a blessing to be with two women who I knew loved me and wanted to be there for me. They taught me the greatest lesson, and taught me that its okay to need help. They cried with me and after the drugs, they laughed with me while i was in another world of all sorts of good feelings! Im grateful I don't remember much, I'm sure they now know more about me than they ever intended to know!

I can't remember much but one thing I can't get over was when it was all over. I remember hearing someone talk. I felt them at my feet but I couldn't open my eyes. I remember my eyelids trembling as I struggled to get them open. I remember asking how it went, and I remember some man saying "It went great, she was a little girl and she did in deed have all the handicap disabilities they said she had, you did the right thing and she is okay." Then SECONDS later I felt someone at my shoulder and this time I could open my eyes and I asked him the same question, how did it go. Only he responded different and told me after the procedure the baby is unrecognizable so he couldn't answer the questions I had. I don't know who the man was who told me about her but I am choosing to believe that was another blessing from my Savior allowing me to end with the thought of her happy and healthy.

I am at such peace with all of this and I really am happy. I am happy that I was able to give my little girl the body she needed. I was able to fulfill my calling as her mother. I am happy I can move on and not wonder if today is going to be the last of the pregnancy. I am happy that I have let myself feel. I am happy that I have let people into my life and into my emotions. I am grateful to so many of you who have supported and loved me and my family. I am grateful to those who I have been able to touch through this story. I have countless emails from people I don't even know, thanking me for sharing. I am grateful that I was able to hear the whispering of the spirit telling me to share this story. It has strengthened me, my marriage, my family and my friendships.

I know to some it sounds weird that I am happy. They keep telling me its okay to be sad. But truthfully, I understand why this happened and I understand that this is not the end for her and I can not be sad for myself when all I want is for my kids to be happy. She, our little Emma, is happy. She is where she needs to be, and because of her I will do everything in my power to stay on the path back to her and to our Savior. My family now has even greater reason and purpose to give this life all we have and to prove ourself to the Lord.

I wish there were words to express my gratitude. We've had visitors, meals and even a "cleaning lady" come by! I have the best friends and the greatest support from so so many of you. I am a better person because of this and because so many of you! And to my husband, as I sit here and type this out, he has cleaned our home and done everything I've needed him to do. I love him more than he knows and I know he loves me and would do anything for me and for our children ...  I am the luckiest women and mother in this world.

Thanks for allowing to me share my story, my emotions and my testimony. And to any of you going through heart ache and wondering why. Remember this, the greatest thing I have ever heard and what got me through so much. "Instead of asking yourself 'Why me,' Try asking yourself, 'Why not me?'" The Lord knows us all, and all of our trails are for our own good and they are but an opportunity to grow and to change us. Let the change be for the better.

Until we meet again Emma.. I promise we will meet again.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Another week goes by..

Do you ever wonder if you are feeling what the spirit is trying to desperately to tell you? Wonder if what your feeling is only because its what you want to feel, or if it really is the truth from our comforter? I wonder all the time. Am I doing the right thing? Am I making the right decision? Am I in tune enough with our Savior to receive the blessings he is trying to offer me. I’d like to think I am, I like to think I am worthy of the blessings that are poured over me. But I know that I am not, I have so much room for improvement in my life and in becoming an instrument in the Lords hands. But I am happy that I KNOW I can do and become more. I have not reached a plateau and I know that I don’t ever want to reach a plateau in becoming the greatest I can become.

I have prayed my heart out over the last few weeks and I always find myself apologizing to my Heavenly Father and telling him that I know he has so many others that need him. So many who are facing tragedy far greater than mine. Those who are crying out to him for help and guidance. But I always have to remind myself that I am just as important to my Father in Heaven and that he has already felt the pain that I am feeling. He has suffered far greater than I just so I could have a chance to feel all that I am feeling now.

I laid bed last night overwhelmed. I never expected to share my story and to have such an outpour of love, such an army of prayers being offered in my baby’s behalf. I felt/feel the power in numbers. I knew I wasn’t alone. I begged the Lord for answers. Begged for a feeling of peace. Begged to KNOW the outcome of this pregnancy. But is that fair? Is it selfish to ask for such answers when I just watched the news and knew that others are praying to know why some evil person would plant bombs at the Boston Marathon and take lives of those they don’t even know? Either way, I continued to pray, I felt like I received what I was looking for. Not a yes or no answer but I received that I NEEDED to hear. 

I knew without a doubt this baby is a little girl. I’ve felt that way for weeks but never told anyone. I lay in bed thinking of this little baby girl, what would her name be? How do you name a perfect spirit who you will wait your whole life to meet? Are there any names strong enough and with enough meaning for my perfect angel? Then like a fire warming over my body, I knew. I knew her name and it brought such peace to my soul. I felt my prayers being answered in that very moment. I felt connected to our savior like I never have before. I felt a joy I have never felt and also a better understanding of my purpose.  

The next morning I got the call I’ve been dreading/longing for. I hear the genetic specialist on the other end telling me she had the results of the baby’s genetic test. The baby tested 99% positive for Trisomy 18, Edwards disease. She told me that it’s “not compatible with life.” That was, once again, a hard pill to swallow. I told her about the success stories I have read and asked her what made her so sure. I guess my baby’s case is just so severe giving the doctor no room to tell me there was a chance. Then she asked if I wanted to know the gender. I thought I didn’t at first. I thought it would be so painful to know what I was losing. But I had to know; I had to know if what I had been feeling was right. I needed the comfort of knowing that I was able to feel what my Savior has been trying to tell me and that I was listening when he warmed my heart. So I said yes, and the next words were “It’s a little baby girl.”

Tears streamed down my cheeks. I had heard the Lord telling me about my little girl. I wasn’t making it all up and I was so happy that I was SURE it was the spirit whispering to me. To know that we will have another daughter, that the twins will have a sister, waiting for us when we meet at Heavens gates. What joy that brings my soul. To miss someone you’ve yet to meet has got to be one of the strangest feelings I’ve ever felt. What would I say if I could just hold her and talk to her? Could I handle holding my baby girl for hours or days then have to say goodbye? I don’t know. But I do know that the Lord is with me and he will bring me through this and he has given me an opportunity to learn and to grow. For that I am so grateful. He gave me the greatest blessing a mother could hope for. He gave me a perfect baby girl that I WILL get the chance to know when we meet again. And I know we will meet again.

I waited in the lobby for what felt like a lifetime today. I watched mothers come in and out of the office. Some with big round bellies and some with a tiny new baby. Each was so happy, and so was I. I listened to a few mothers complain about the wait and I couldn’t help but think to myself that I had discovered a new term to the meaning “wait.” I wait in that office with my head down, to afraid that someone will start to talk to me, to ask me if I am expecting a baby. How would I respond? People don’t need to know that I am waiting to simply go back and hear if my baby still has a heart beat. They don’t need to know that I will be holding my breath while my Dr. slides the doppler across my stomach searching for the sound every pregnant mother longs to hear… So I would respond yes. Yes I am expecting, maybe not a baby in the next few months but I am expecting my sweet baby girl in the next life. And I do believe in the next life.

Finally I hear my name being called back. I take a deep breath and I walk toward the nurse with a smile on my face. She brings me to the room I will wait in while I wait for my Dr. Its there that I offer yet another prayer. I pray for comfort, for peace. I pray for strength to be able to take in whatever the Dr. is about to tell me. Again I take a deep breath and tell myself that everything is going to be ok. Last week I reacted out of fear when I hear the sound of my baby’s heart beat. I couldn’t handle it. I thought I would be so reassured but I just couldn’t handle it. So how grateful was I when the Dr. found no heartbeat with the Doppler. Yes, I realize it sounds crazy to be so grateful for that, but in that moment, I was so very grateful. He asked the nurse to get the tiny computer ultrasound machine and he found her and her little heart beating away. She wasn’t moving so the Dr. gave her a little push! And for a few minutes I watched my baby girl move her arms and legs, arch her back and wiggle around. What a blessing today was. She is alive and moving. I’ll never forget that moment.

I decided coming in every week is just a but much for right now so I asked for a little break and we scheduled a ultrasound appointment for three weeks away.

As I got back into my car in the parking lot I opened up a text from a great friend. Attached is a quote from Elder. Jeffry R. Holland. “The tests of life are tailored for our own best interests, and all will face the burdens best suited to our own mortal experience. In the end we will realize that God is merciful as well as just and that all the rules are fair. We can be reassured that our challenges will be the ones we needed. And conquering them will bring blessings we could have received in no other way.”

How I believe this statement with my whole heart. I have realized things about my Savior, about myself and about this life that I KNOW would be impossible, for me, to realize in any other way. I am not going through a troublesome time. I am not losing my faith in my savior in any way. I am experiencing the greatest blessing I have yet to face. I am being blessing with an opportunity to grow, to serve, to teach and to learn. I am becoming stronger. I am becoming who my savior needs me to be.

I am happy and I am at peace with each day I am being blessing with. For today I am still pregnant, and for today that is all I need. And I know whenever things change I will again be blessed with all that I need.

To those who have read my story, thank you. To those who have called or text to offer thoughts, thank you. To the many who have offered prayers, I can never repay you. What a blessing it has been for me, and my family to feel the power of prayer. To honestly FEEL the love that so many of you are offering my family. I ask you to continue your prayers, I believe in prayer. I believe in miracles. Prayer changes things, its changed me. 

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Praying for a miracle...

I will never forget the overwhelming mix of emotions I felt on the day I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t think it could be possible; the thought hadn’t even crossed my mind. I remember feeling scared. I remember crying and feeling so guilty that I wasn’t crying tears of joy to read the positive test. Never in my life did I think that I would one day have that emotion. It wasn’t that the thought of having another baby scared me, or the thought of being pregnant. I was happy. At least I wanted to be happy.

But how could I? How could I be happy for myself when I know of so many people who are struggling to get pregnant? So many who try for years, so many who pay thousands of dollars just for the chance to become pregnant. I thought about all the people around me miscarrying their babies and being left heart broken. How was it fair that I was able to get pregnant without planning or preparing for that next step. Why was I being blessed with another amazing spirit to add to my family when we had already been given the great blessing of our sweet twins.

I remember wondering what I would say when people found out and I remember telling myself I would never let anyone know it was a surprise because I remember how painful that feeling can be when you so badly want to have a child and are trying so hard and others around you are getting pregnant simply by looking at each other for to long. I knew I never wanted to make anyone feel how I felt during the two years of trying for our first pregnancy. But I also remember feeling different, feeling like something wasn’t right, the spirit overcame me multiple times like a comfort I’ve never felt before and that was something I didn’t understand. Until now….

I have had 4 ultrasounds up to this point and then I found myself sitting in that conference room waiting for the genetic specialist for the longest 10 minutes of my life. He had performed an ultrasound and told me to get dressed and comfortable so we could talk. The sound of his voice rings in my mind, I felt pain behind his voice and I felt heartache. I didn’t understand what was going on. He started by asking us what we knew about the baby thus far, we replied by telling me all we knew was that a few things didn’t look “normal.” He went on by talking about all the chromosomal abnormalities he could see, then referred to my pregnancy as a “lethal pregnancy” and he didn’t think I would make it to term before losing the baby.

I’ve always felt the Lord has been preparing me for a special needs child. That was a gift in my eyes; it was a blessing from the Lord to be trusted with such an amazing spirit. The thought of having a child with special needs never made me nervous or scared. Having a child with such needs was something I knew I could accept and without question, something I could love. However, this is not going to be the case with our sweet baby. Chromosomal abnormalities, heart defect, hole in the stomach and not being able to detect all extremities, was all the Dr kept trying to explain to us. But to be honest after the term Lethal Pregnancy I don’t think I heard much. He mentioned terminating the pregnancy, the word alone sent chills across my entire body and left tears swelling in my eyes. How dare he even say that out loud, how dare he tell me my baby is so lifeless that I may as well ends its life by my own choice. I wanted to be angry with him, I wanted to stand and scream my frustration and sadness. But of coarse I understand that he was only doing his job and that we did not share the same beliefs. I simply took a breath and told him that wasn’t an option.

We left that conference room broken hearted and confused. If my baby was just going to die then why hadn’t it already? Why did I just watch on the ultrasound screen as it moved and wiggled and raised its hands up to its face just as the Dr. was saying he was unable to see its extremities? I wondered if our baby was a fighter, I wondered if maybe we’d become one of those “miracle stories” we hear about. I wondered if simply by my own faith things would work themselves out and in a few months we would be blessed with another healthy little baby to join our family. I wondered if the Dr. was wrong. I want him to be wrong. I want him to call me and tell me he’d like to take a second look and for him to find nothing. I want to be a mother to this baby, more than anything I want to understand my purpose in the Lords eyes for this baby.

Of all the things I long for, and all the conditions I wish I could change, I know that I can’t. I know that there is nothing I can do to help my baby, nothing I can do to change the outcome. So I wait, I will carry this baby as long as the Lord needs me to. If he needs me to help this baby gain a body then that is what I will do. I know and believe with all my heart the purpose of this life but just because I have that knowledge doesn’t take the pain away or make it any easier. I am allowed to be heart broken and I am allowed to cry. I am allowed to wonder why this is happening and I am allowed to hope for a miracle even when the Dr.s are telling me there is no chance.

I never want to forget how I am feeling today. I have felt the hand of my loving Savior and I have felt the peace he is trying to offer me. I pray I always accept this feeling and never harbor any anger or doubt. But as for today, today I’m going to let my heart hurt, I’m going to let myself cry every time I become overcome with emotion. And I’m going to love my two children and my husband even more because this life is a gift, no matter how long or short it may be.

(Eight days later)
Today I went in for a weekly heartbeat check. (Basically they want me to come once a week to check heartbeat until there isn’t one.. I thought hearing the heartbeat would somehow reassure me. Somehow bring me peace and comfort.. It did not. I heard the heart racing and I couldn’t handle it. I started to cry, to sob, and told my dr to please stop and that I couldn’t handle hearing my baby alive yet knowing it wouldn’t last forever. He so sweetly tried to explain and to comfort me. I asked him if he was “SURE” and he said because of the faith he believes he could never say that because he believes in miracles. I want to believe. He told me he has never seen a case as severe as mine change BUT that some things are out of our hands. I left the office heartbroken again and so confused. Yet, with hope. I don’t know if I am setting myself up or not but all I can do is hope that things will change and that I will be able to raise this baby in my home and come to know this special spirit and love it with all that I have to offer.

I went home and did what I SWORE I wouldn’t do. I went to the Internet. I searched for stories like mine and I did find them, lots of them. Some stories ended like the Dr and specialist said they would, but some didn’t. Some stories were the EXACT same as mine and they had their babies. Some born with Down Syndrome, some born with Turners Disease, but they LIVED. They were healthy and happy. They did NOT die.

I’m more confused than ever. I’m not sure if reading these stories helped me. I just don’t know what to think from here. All I can do is wait. All I can do is take care of myself as I would if I were having a healthy pregnancy.

I’m not sure why I am sharing my story. It helps me to write, it helps me knowing I am not alone. It helps. And so that’s why I find myself at the computer typing out my feelings. I have faith that this is in the Lords hands. I have faith that miracles do happen. Maybe my baby will be a miracle. Either way this baby will forever hold my heart…

I will share more as I learn more. I’m not ready to talk face to face about this and that is why I wrote it down. My family doesn’t understand the whole story and I haven’t been able to talk about it all without crying so maybe this will help them understand..